he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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