I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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