yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
