How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think my vagina is haunted
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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