In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
