You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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