you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
