why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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