well I can't set my house on fire every night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
