I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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