When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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