My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
