Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize