I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
