he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
