i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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