Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
