I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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