When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
