My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
