HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
