Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
