3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
