i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
