Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
