Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
