proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
