The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
