this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
