: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
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