all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
