best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
