My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
