If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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