i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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