it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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