we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
