Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
