when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
