everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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