"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
