Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
