like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
