??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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