She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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