I smell stomach acid.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
