even my farts smell like vagina
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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