The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
