New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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