K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
