very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
