Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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