I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
did you just send me my own nude
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
