The best revenge is premature balding
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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