if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize