Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
